My Sister

My sister
I miss her
I keep walking down the hall to tuck her in
or waiting to hear her say "mama"
the only word she ever said
I pass her room and try to avoid glimpsing
her empty wheelchair
or the space where her bed used to be.

Today we'll finish cleaning up
and make her room something new
something that the kids won't be afraid of
Today hasn't come yet.

The paint sits in the can waiting
while I find homes for all the things
she no longer needs
A case of formula, ten cases of diapers
oxygen tanks tubes wires monitors
a list that makes her sound like a problem
not a person.

her smile her fight her grumpy faces
when she didn't want to get up
her tight grip when holding our hands
her blue eyes
her so cold hands that I couldn't warm up
when I found her there
her peaceful blank face
the wish to feel her chest rise and fall
one more time please.

oh my sister
I miss her